The Good Relationship Guide

In the previous article we looked at relationship break-ups and how to handle them in a healthy way. Many relationships break down because people are focusing on the wrong values and qualities when they initially pair up or have unrealistically high expectations of their partner whilst having low expectations of what they actually need to put into the relationship themselves.

Anyone who has lived in a negative relationship like this will know how demoralising, all-consuming and generally detrimental to your wellbeing it can be. On the other hand, a good relationship can enhance an already positive existence immeasurably. So bearing this in mind, here is a brief guide to finding, recognising and maintaining a good relationship.
 
1. Know – and love – yourself.
At the end of the healthy break-up article, I stated that ‘the better you know yourself, the more likely you are to find the person who you can truly be happy with’. I really cannot reiterate this enough, as I truly believe that for most of us, this is the one and only condition necessary for meeting ‘Mr/Ms Right’.

When I was married, I can remember looking through my wardrobe to find something to wear and realising that my clothes were in a number of radically different styles. Within this small selection of garments was the punk, the hippy, the businesswoman, the ‘wife’, to name but a few – but which outfit defined the real me? Who on earth was I? The fact was, I had no idea so was desperately trying on different identities in an attempt to find out. Of course, simply changing my external image was never going to lead to a deeper knowledge of my inner self, and it was little wonder that with such a lack of self-awareness, my marriage ultimately foundered.

If you don’t know who you are, then you will not be in touch with your inner guidance, you will not know what brings you real joy and you probably won’t like yourself very much either. Consequently, you will enter a relationship, not because you want to enjoy an intimate friendship and share a lifetime of mutual love and support, but because you are hoping that your chosen partner will fill up the empty shell which exists where your authentic self should be, or will be your escape route from something, be it physical circumstances or psychological/emotional torment. You will end up attracting someone with similar or complementary insecurities and when the initial buzz is over, you will find yourself stuck in a dysfunctional relationship with someone you probably don’t even like all that much, never mind love.

Paradoxically, the best way to guarantee a positive relationship in the future is to spend some time as a single person, getting to know and love yourself. Loving yourself means developing self-respect (treating yourself in a loving way) and self-acceptance (loving yourself, warts and all). Why would you expect anyone else to love you if you don’t think you’re lovable? So take some time out from the relationship merry-go-round and do some personal development work to heal your emotional wounds and break the unhealthy patterns which drag you back into dysfunctional relationships time and time again. It may take some time but the rewards you gain through discovering your authentic self – namely, fulfilment, harmony and serenity – are definitely worth it. (For more on this, check out my blog entry ‘The greatest gift you will ever give yourself’.).
 
2. Listen to your inner guidance

As you get to know yourself better, you will become more in tune with your inner guidance or intuition – and as you feel more at ease with yourself, you will be more inclined to listen to this wise inner voice. If you think back to previous negative relationships you may have had, you probably knew quite early on that something was amiss, but your desperate need to be in a relationship overrode your inner wisdom. I once met a man whose opening words were ‘I was never unfaithful to my ex wife or ex girlfriends’. This immediately set alarm bells ringing and I actually went home and wrote in my journal ‘Watch this one – could be a ladies’ man!’ Unfortunately I was feeling particularly vulnerable when I met this man, so ignored my intuition and ended up having a fairly miserable two year relationship with him – which ended when I caught him in the arms of another woman.

As well as helping you to avoid the rotten apples, your inner guidance will also lead you to the good ones too, if you get out of your own (or your ego’s) way and allow yourself to pay heed to it. Karen was invited to a party which she didn’t really want to attend – she was single and knew it would be mostly couples, and it was in a local pub which she didn’t really like. However the voice of her inner guidance seemed determined she should go despite her misgivings, so she arranged a babysitter for her small son and went. That night she met the man who turned out to be her soulmate. Interestingly, it transpired that he had also been reluctant to attend but felt the same inexplicable pull as Karen to turn up anyway.
And of course, it will be the voice of your inner guidance which will let you know, quietly but insistently, that you’ve finally met ‘The One’….
 
3. Share similar values and interests…

This does not mean that you’re into hot guys and he happens to be hot, or you’re into rich women and she happens to be rich, or any other similar superficial ‘quality’. If such things are still your main criteria for a relationship then you will never be happy and will always be on the lookout for something better – after all, there’s always the possibility that someone hotter or richer is just around the corner. And of course, just because someone is hot or rich, it does not necessarily follow that they are pleasant or compatible in any way with you.

What this actually means is that you have similar values regarding love and life. Does he or she value positive qualities such as compassion and integrity? If you’re looking for a serious commitment with this person, then you also need to be sure they’re on the same page as you in the areas which are most important to you – for example, how and where you want to live, how you feel about marriage and children, your views on work and money, political and spiritual beliefs and so on.

It also helps if you have similar interests – perhaps you both like to go walking at weekends, or share a love of live music. Enjoyable shared experiences are an important bonding tool and create a history of happy memories which can be important when you go through an inevitable rough patch.  A similar sense of humour is also essential to see you through the good times and the bad – couples who laugh together, last together. Ultimately, if you fall in love with someone who is also your best friend, you can’t go far wrong.
 
4. …but keep some of your life for you.

Remember Penny from the healthy break-up article? Because she had a full life in her own right, with her own friends and a variety of creative interests, her relationship with Paul was not the centre of her universe. Penny chose to be in the relationship because she enjoyed being with Paul, not because she needed to be with him. Subsequently, when he left, though she was very upset, she knew that she would get over it and didn’t feel like her life was over.

There’s nothing attractive about someone who needs to be with you constantly and appears to have no existence beyond their relationship with you. A healthy relationship is interdependent – the supportive and mutually beneficial union of two independent adults – rather than co-dependent – the desperate attachment of two needy wounded children. Time spent apart from your partner doing your own thing makes you a much more interesting and well-rounded person with so much more to bring to the relationship. It is also healthy in terms of your own personal growth and holistic well-being, giving you the opportunity for relaxation and reflection.
 
5. Do unto your partner as you would have your partner do unto you.

The cornerstones of a good relationship are respect and consideration. People seem to forget that ‘love’ is a verb and therefore protestations of love are simply not enough. If someone is declaring their love for you, yet they can’t be bothered to ring when they say they will, turn up on time or talk to you in a civil way; or if they ignore you in public while flirting with other people, are unfaithful to you, or prefer to spend all their free time out drinking with their friends rather than be with you, then their actions are speaking much louder than their words.

Mutually loving partners will demonstrate this love consistently through loving behaviour. This doesn’t have to consist of big flamboyant gestures, though these are wonderful for special occasions; simple daily actions which show that you care for someone’s wellbeing as much as your own are sufficient. As well as the basic courtesies like punctuality, faithfulness, civility and so on, these actions could also include things like: running them a bath or giving them a foot rub after a hard day; surprising them with a bar of their favourite chocolate or that CD you heard them mention a few days ago; bringing them a cup of tea in bed in the morning; warming their gloves on the radiator before they go out in the winter; or a quick call or text to say ‘I love you’ during the day. Small things, perhaps, but it is little gestures like these which bring sunshine and joy into your lives and enhance your existence as a couple.
 
6. Trust me, I’m your soulmate

If respect and consideration are the cornerstones of a healthy relationship, then intrinsic to these cornerstones are the qualities of trust and loyalty. Trust is often talked about as being a key factor in a good relationship and most people tend to think of this as being able to trust that your partner will be faithful to you. However fidelity is just one facet of the kind of trust which is necessary in a good relationship.

Whenever we care about someone, we are giving away some power over our feelings and our wellbeing. It is impossible to love without giving away some of your power (though don’t forget that it’s equally important that you do not give away all your power). When we choose to love someone and share our intimate selves with them we are giving them the power to make us happy and the flipside of that, of course, is that we are also giving them the power to hurt us, or instil anger or fear in us. It is therefore vital that you are able to trust your chosen loved one with your deepest feelings, and trust them not to abuse your love for them. Loyalty to the relationship is also important and again, this does not just mean being monogamous, but that you also see the two of you as a team. You need to be able to trust in your partner to stand by you, to back you up and to not diminish you in front of others.

Of course, trust does not always come easy if it has been severely damaged in the past. Someone who genuinely loves you will understand and respect that and will be happy to work with you to gently build the trust in your relationship. However, if you are the one who is struggling with trust issues, it’s also important to remember that all men/women are NOT the same, and that just because previous lover/s let you down, it does not mean your current partner inevitably will. If you have followed the advice in part one and are listening to your inner guidance, then you will know in your heart of hearts if this is someone you can trust. However if you continue to lack trust for your partner, with no real evidence for your negative beliefs, then perhaps you need to take a step back and do some more emotional healing work on yourself.
 
7. Communication

This is the one that all relationship experts bang on about and for good reason. If you can’t communicate with your partner, then what are you actually getting out of the relationship? We’ve all seen those couples in pubs and restaurants who sit there staring into the distance with grim expressions, barely uttering a word to each other. Maybe occasionally one of them will say something, only to get a contemptuous grunt in response. Who in all honesty wants a relationship like that?

As I said earlier, your partner should be your best friend. For instance, when something important happens to you or you hear some significant news, who is the first person you think of to ring? If you are in a good relationship, then it will probably be your partner. Sharing the day-to-day stuff is also important. When you care for someone, then you will quite naturally be interested in their life and will enjoy hearing about their day, sharing amusing anecdotes perhaps or giving them a sounding board to vent any work frustrations. And remember that sense of humour – not all communication needs to be serious and true soulmates love to play, have fun and laugh together.
 
8. Conflict resolution

Finding a conflict resolution style which suits both of you is crucial to the success of your relationship. If one of you becomes abusive or contemptuous, stonewalls or prefers to blame the other for any problems, then this does not bode well for your relationship in the future. Occasional fights are inevitable in any relationship, but if you learn how to handle them in a mature and just manner, then your intimate connection will reap the rewards.

When Diane and David first got together, David struggled to deal with conflict – his family background meant that he felt threatened by any kind of confrontation, so he would simply say ‘I’m leaving’ and walk away if an issue arose which upset him in any way. He soon realised that this hurt Diane deeply and was counterproductive to their relationship, so he learned to bite the bullet and to stay and discuss any issues between them. In turn, Diane respected the effort David made for the sake of their relationship and ultimately working through this – and other conflicts – brought them closer together.

However, it’s also important to pick your battles. If your partner begins to feel harangued because every move they make seems to be wrong, then your relationship will not last long either. Save up the intense discussions for the issues which you feel could genuinely damage your relationship. For example, if your partner stays up late watching TV once in a while, then it’s not really a big deal. However, if your partner is doing this every night when previously you both went to bed at the same time, then you have every reason to address this and share your concerns with your partner.

And remember, unlike the myth perpetuated by the film ‘Love Story’, love does sometimes mean having to say you’re sorry. If you’ve messed up and you know it, then admit your mistake and apologise. Sometimes an apology is all that’s needed to thaw the cold war between you and allow a more open and healthy discussion of your dilemma to take place.
 
9. Let’s get physical

The one factor which distinguishes your relationship with your partner from your relationships with everyone else in your life is the physical intimacy you share, so it’s essential that you fancy each other like mad.  As we already discussed, being best friends with your partner is important but if your relationship lacks that vital spark – also known as ‘chemistry’ – then regardless of how well you get on at a personality level, things will fizzle out pretty quickly.

On the other hand, love-making has been trivialised in our over-sexualised society (sex is portrayed as a selfish act - something you do for a quick buzz, like drugs or alcohol) to the point that many people seem to develop their relationships backwards these days. Rather than spending time building a close friendship first with a potential lover, they leap into bed together only to realise – usually as the passion wanes – that they’re not that keen on this person after all.

Love-making with someone you genuinely love is truly amazing and once you’ve experienced this, then the ‘backwards’ approach to relationships will no longer hold any interest for you. Sharing your whole self with your partner, body and soul, is one of the best gifts you can ever give to them – and it’s a gift which will bring you closer and leave both of you feeling special and loved.

And of course, physical affection does not need to be restricted to the sexual. Holding hands as you walk down the street, cuddles and kisses as part of your daily communication, a loving touch and a smile as you pass each other in the hallway – this is all love-making too and helps to keep the intimate bond between you strong.
 
10. Nobody’s perfect

Even your one true love and soulmate will irritate, frustrate, anger or disappoint you sometimes. No-one – no, not even you, dear reader – is perfect. We all have our quirks, flaws and bad habits, we all have differences of opinion in some areas, and we all have bad days where we just feel plain cranky and ready to pick a fight with anyone for no reason at all. If your partner only gets on your nerves about five percent of the time, then you can rest assured that your relationship is normal and healthy and you don’t have much to worry about.

A couple who really care for each other will also probably do what they can to reduce that five percent. If you know that it irritates your partner when you don’t tidy up after yourself when you’ve made a sandwich, then teach yourself a new habit of clearing everything away when you’re done. Your partner will be delighted that you’ve made this effort for them, you’ll be happy that you’ve made them happy and your relationship will benefit enormously from a small effort and simple action on your part.

If you’ve enjoyed this brief overview of a healthy intimate relationship and would like to explore further any of the issues discussed here – perhaps you feel you need some emotional healing or would like to do some personal development work, or maybe you have a relationship issue you would like to resolve – then please contact me at innersimplicity@empathicguidance.co.uk to arrange a one-to-one session online.