How to have a healthy relationship
break-up
Relationship break-ups are never easy, whether you’re the
‘leaver’ or the ‘left’. Usually it’s the one who is left who is
thought to be the one most hurt by a separation, but I’ve known
people stay in relationships well past their sell-by date simply
because they couldn’t bear the pain of hurting someone they once
loved, and are most probably still fond of, despite no long wanting
an intimate relationship with them.
Generally, people end relationships for one of two reasons.
Either your partner’s behaviour towards you is no longer acceptable
or you have some pressing need which cannot be fulfilled within the
context of that relationship. This article describes some examples
of relationship break-ups, both healthy and unhealthy, seen from the
perspective of the leaver and the left, with advice on how to
survive the process with your self-respect intact.
The Leaver
Lynn has been married for some years and has three young
children with her partner, Lee. At Lee’s suggestion, they decided to
move to a new area to improve their quality of life.
Initially
If, like
* Don’t break up with someone if you don’t mean it. For
some people, a relationship break-up is just another part of the
elaborate and manipulative game which their relationship has become.
If you’re on the receiving end of this kind of game – i.e. someone
breaks up with you one week then wants you back the next, only to
break up with you again in a fortnight’s time, I would advise you to
bring the game to a very swift end by breaking it off yourself. And
if you and your partner seem to both thrive on this kind of
stress-inducing behaviour, then you may want to examine why you need
such high drama and tension within a relationship to keep it
interesting.
* If you are breaking up with someone because you feel the
relationship just isn’t working for you anymore, then be cruel to be
kind and make it a clean break. Don’t stay friends – at least, not
straightaway – as you will only give the other person hope. And
perhaps you should ask yourself – are your motives for staying
friends entirely altruistic? After all, even though you no longer
want an intimate relationship with this person, there will still
probably be aspects of your association you will miss. If you keep
the break-up reasonably amicable and you are both decent people,
when the dust has finally settled a few months (or possibly years)
down the line, there is every chance that you could become good
friends. My ex-husband and I were terrible partners and fought like
cat and dog, but because we still basically liked each other and
dealt with the break up in a mature fashion, fifteen years on we are
still great pals.
* If you are breaking up with your partner because you feel
they have treated you badly and you want to vent your feelings, do
it once (perhaps write it down in a letter, like Lynn did, as that
way you can be sure you’ve expressed everything you feel) then move
on. Don’t get caught up in revenge and resentment as the only person
this hurts ultimately is you.
* Don’t play the victim either. The fact that you have
broken off the relationship shows strength. Allow yourself time to
grieve – even if you’re just mourning the unfulfilled promise which
all relationships start out with – but don’t wallow or drive your
friends away by continuing to do nothing but weep and wail about
your terrible relationship months down the line. Move forward with
your head held high, and like
* If your former partner was abusive in any way, break off
all contact. If you have children, keep contact to the minimum
required to deal with any issues relating to the children. Refuse to
enter discussions about your former relationship otherwise you are
simply prolonging the agony. A clean break and no contact is the
only way to send a clear message that for you the relationship is
over. If your ex continues to harass you, stalks you, or exhibits
any other menacing or violent behaviour in an attempt to goad you
into retaliating or worse, to intimidate you into going back, then
again, refuse to become involved in any kind of confrontation. When
an ex of mine sent me threatening messages telling me to move away
from the area ‘or else’, I immediately contacted the police to make
sure they had a record of these threats for future reference. It
turned out that my ex had a history of this kind of behaviour, so
the police paid him a visit. When my ex realised that I was not
going to enter this kind of game playing, the threats soon stopped.
* Equally, don’t allow yourself to be guilt-tripped into
taking someone back when you know in your heart of hearts that the
relationship is dead in the water. Seeing someone you once loved
sobbing and pleading with you to come back can be very difficult to
take, particularly if you are a sensitive and caring person, but if
you do return the relationship will continue as it did before,
only this time tinged with resentment on your part due to your
partner’s emotional blackmail. Again, no contact is the only answer.
Don’t answer the door to them, get caller display and don’t pick up
the phone when their number (or for a while, number withheld) comes
up, don’t respond to texts or e-mails and definitely
don’t agree to meet up for a friendly drink – in other words, don’t
allow yourself to get engaged in any kind of personal interaction
with them. If you refuse to respond, your ex will eventually get the
message and give up trying. If they don’t, then this constitutes
harassment and you will be justified in taking appropriate measures
to stop this. Don’t be swayed by the tears – if they are refusing to
respect your wishes then however much they protest, they actually
don’t give a damn about you – this kind of behaviour is all about
their feelings, not yours.
The Left
Having read my advice on how to handle a break-up if you’re
the one leaving, then you’re probably thinking that an appropriate
alternative title for this article would be ‘The no-nonsense guide
to breaking up’. Although the end of a relationship is a very
emotive time for all involved, experience – both personal and in my
work as a counsellor – has taught me that a healthy relationship
break-up can only be achieved if there are clear boundaries – hence
the ‘no-nonsense’ approach. As we have seen, the rule of thumb as
the ‘leaver’ is ‘Be firm but fair’. As the ‘left’, however, the rule
is ‘Above all, hold your head high and keep your dignity’.
When you leave someone, you can guarantee that their true
colours will come out. I often say – tongue firmly in cheek, of
course – that if you’re unsure about how genuine someone’s feelings
for you are, then try breaking off the relationship, as the way they
respond will make it abundantly clear whether they really love you
as a person in your own right or simply view you as an extension of
their own ego.
To demonstrate what I mean, here are two very different
examples.
Penny and Paul had been in a relationship for two years
when Paul said that he wanted to break up. A few years younger than
Penny, Paul felt that he hadn’t explored the world enough outside
the context of their relationship, and wanted the opportunity to do
this as a single man. Penny was utterly devastated, but respected
Paul’s request and despite her grief, wished him well. Luckily Penny
had a very full life outside of the relationship, with plenty of
friends who all rallied round, and a number of creative interests
which she threw herself into to help her move on. She did not
attempt to contact Paul and asked mutual friends not to tell her if
they’d seen him.
Six months after Paul left, he suddenly appeared on her
doorstep. He told Penny that he’d made a mistake and that he missed
her terribly. He asked for her forgiveness for hurting her and if
she would consider taking him back. Penny agreed to consider his
request and eventually decided that she loved him enough to give
their relationship another go. A year later, they were married.
Contrast this with Kate and Karl’s break up. They had
been married for fifteen years and over this time, the relationship
had gradually become more like a business arrangement. Karl felt
increasingly depressed and frustrated at the lack of affection and
companionship offered by his wife, despite his best efforts, and
also felt that Kate was becoming increasingly contemptuous of him. A
sudden death in the family was a real wake-up call for him, and Karl
decided that life was too short to stay in a loveless marriage a
moment longer.
Kate’s reaction came as a complete shock to him. As she
had threatened to kick him out on more than one occasion, he
believed she would probably be glad to see the back of him. Instead,
she was mortified – ‘How dare he leave me!’ - and embarked on a
series of manipulative behaviours in an attempt to keep him under
her control. First she tried to seduce him with sex and gifts. When
that didn’t work, she tried crying, pleading and threatening suicide
to guilt trip him into staying. When this too failed, she became
angry and abusive towards him, told anyone who would listen what a
‘bastard’ he was – with a big dollop of ‘poor me’ thrown in for good
measure – and did her utmost to make his life as difficult as
possible. She bombarded him with phone calls and texts and when he
eventually began a more healthy and happy relationship with a former
platonic friend who had been supportive of him, she did everything
she could to try and destroy that relationship. She also refused to
accept that she may have contributed to the breakdown of the
marriage (despite the fact that her attempt at belatedly offering
loving gestures in the form of sex and gifts demonstrated that she
knew deep down what had been lacking) and put the blame totally on
Karl and his new partner. Karl had initially felt guilty and sad
about ending their marriage, but Kate’s behaviour quickly made him
feel relieved it was over and killed off any residual positive
feelings he had for her. As he said: ‘The way Kate has behaved is
like a spoilt child throwing a tantrum. She treated me like an old
toy which she no longer had any interest in, but when that toy was
taken away, she screamed blue murder, demanding it back. She didn’t
give a damn about me – the only reason she wanted me back was to
satisfy her own ego.’
If you are the one being left, here are some dos and don’ts
to help you through:
* Don’t behave like a victim. Obviously you will need time
to grieve, but reserve this for private moments. Don’t walk around
with slumped shoulders, a hangdog expression and ‘he/she done me
wrong’ written all over your face. Don’t bore your friends rigid
with your tale of woe either. People will be sympathetic and
supportive for a while, but if your complaints about your ex and the
terrible thing he/she did to you continue for more than a month or
two, then you are not only going to find yourself without your
partner, you will soon be pretty short of friends too. If you are
really struggling to come to terms with your loss, then consider
seeing a counsellor or undergoing some other form of emotional
healing to help you assimilate and accept your experience and move
on.
* Whilst it’s fine to wallow in your grief for a while,
don’t torture yourself by spending the next six months listening to
‘your songs’, looking at photos of the two of you in happier times
and visiting places which remind you of your ex. It is important to
work your way through the stages of grief as famously documented by
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (denial, anger, bargaining, depression,
acceptance) as if you don’t, you are simply storing up psychological
problems for the future. However, don’t wear your grief like a badge
of honour – there is much more to you than your former relationship,
and the best thing you can do for yourself is to get out there and
reacquaint yourself with you. If there’s something you’ve always had
an interest in but never fully explored, why not contact your local
college and see if they run classes in your chosen subject? It’s
advice often given in agony columns, but with good reason – not only
will you be able to distract yourself by throwing yourself into your
new interest, you will also get the opportunity to broaden your
social circle, which could be useful if the only people you know are
mutual friends with your ex. If the thought of meeting people face
to face seems a bit much to start with, then you could always ease
yourself in gently and try an online course. Many of these also have
forums where you can discuss the subject with fellow students,
giving you the chance to chat with like-minded people.
Alternatively, try undertaking some kind of project – something you
can really get your teeth into and which will give you a boost. I
once redecorated my entire house from top to bottom in 30 days after
a relationship break-up and was really proud of my achievement. Or
perhaps you could start an exercise program, go for a complete
make-over, or travel to some places you’ve always wanted to visit.
These are just ideas to fire your imagination – only you know what
appeals to you most and what it will take to kick start your life
again.
* Don’t, whatever you do, behave like a ‘bunny boiler’ (the
prototype may have been female but this applies equally to men).
Driving past their house, turning up on their doorstep uninvited on
a regular basis, following them around town and ‘just happening’ to
be in the same bars as them, ringing/texting/e-mailing a hundred
times a day, then screaming, crying, begging, threatening suicide or
being aggressive towards them when they reiterate that the
relationship is over is NOT going to win back anyone’s love. It
might just win you a restraining order though. Behaving this way has
got nothing to at all to do with love, as Karl soon realised. If you
genuinely love your ex, then like Penny, you will respect their
wishes – as the saying goes ‘If you love someone, set them free’.
The following quote also sums this attitude up beautifully, and
refers us back to the initial ‘rule for those who are left’: “To
behave with dignity is nothing less than to allow others to freely
be themselves.” Real love means caring about the other person’s
happiness – and if they are not finding that happiness in their
relationship with you and choose to walk away, then let them go and
wish them well, however difficult that may be. Consider again the
story of Penny and Paul – would Paul have wanted to resume the
relationship had Penny behaved like Kate, do you think? Keeping your
dignity does not guarantee that your ex will come back to you, of
course, but you will at least maintain your self-respect and get
over the break-up much more quickly. It is two years since Karl and
Kate broke up, and whilst Karl has moved on and is happy with his
new life, Kate is still alone and living in the past, eaten up with
resentment and bitterness, and still thoroughly miserable and
angry that she (in her mind) ‘lost the game’.
* On the other hand, if your ex tries to contact you – not
to resume the relationship but because they want to ‘stay friends’ –
then ask them to show you some respect and give you a chance to get
over the break up. Your ex may be hanging on due to their own
insecurity, or because there may be some advantage for them in
continued contact, or even because they just don’t want to burn
their bridges. If they expect to still be able to see you whenever
they wish but have made it clear that they don’t want to continue an
intimate relationship with you, then this is very unfair and selfish
of them, and you would be wise to keep your distance until you feel
you are over the relationship, however long that may take.
Above all, remember that clichés are clichés for a reason
and that time really is a great healer. If you deal with your
break-up in a healthy way, you will emerge from this time as a
stronger, wiser and more self-aware person – and the better you know
yourself, the more likely you are to find the person who you can
truly be happy with.
I hope this brief guide to relationships break-ups has been of some help. If you are still struggling to come to terms with the end of a relationship or have any other emotional issues, then why not contact me to arrange a personal Empathic Guidance session at innersimplicity@empathicguidance.co.uk.
